The Do-It-Yourself Superhero

The Do It Your Self Superhero

The City looked like a stygian maze of streets and dead ends under the blanket of fog that had settled in the process of the night. Looking around I saw the faint glimmer of light reflected in the eyes of an alley cat as it lifted its head from the dented, rust covered trash receptacle it was searching for its dinner. My keenly trained ears amplified the sound of footsteps running to the safety of their apartment. Things were unusually quiet, too quiet. After my many years of training I had learned that silence brought trouble, and trouble brought me, Viking Man. I was the superhero of this great city. Evil shuddered at the sound of my name. In all my years of crime fighting I had never been defeated. My city was the vast and thriving metropolis of Rexburg, Idaho. Before I was assigned here by the W.W.A.S.H., World Wide Association of Superheroes, Rexburg was a lawless town held victim in the grasp of over priced, college approved housing and lawless college students. Now this and hardened community had transformed, as if over night, into a quite and respectable hamlet, filled with over priced, college approved housing and not quite as lawless college students. As the Rexburg’s assigned fearless protector it was my job to make sure that evil stayed in its place, hidden in the blue port-a-potty of unfriendliness, far from the grasp of little Timmy and his brave group of friends as they played in the verdant parks of fun and games. Suddenly, from behind I hear the sound of action, the call of Viking Man.

It was then that I realized that the “call to action” was actually my alarm clock waking me from yet another adventure packed dream, where I was living the life that myself and so many other young men have always dreamed of, the life of a superhero. It wasn’t until I had finished my 988,000^th dream of this type that I decided to take action in to my own hands. I became tired of constantly waking from these dreams only to find that I was not the brave, muscular, nimble footed, thrill seeking, purveyor of justice created by my sub-conscious; instead, I was a skinny, uncoordinated book nerd always in desperate need of saving. This had been the curse of my life ever since I saw the first Superman movie when I was but a small child. The time had come for a change! No longer would I let my dreams be the haven of heroic adventures, it was time for two the worlds to meet. I devoted at least an hour to pondering what I need to do, what essential qualities I lacked in becoming as “they” have, doers of good in a world permeated by the vile ooze of badness.

Unfortunately there are currently no schools offering a degree in “Superhero Studies;” so, instead, I studied the moves of Superman, Spiderman, and Batman via movies and comic books. Through this study I realized the importance of entering the psyche of a true superhero, recognizing that each of them held in common, certain core characteristics.

Becoming a self-proclaimed fighter of evil was really not as hard as I thought it would be. It is something any true despiser of all that is wrong in this world can accomplish. You don’t need to be born on a technologically advanced planet that self destructed just after you were miraculously evacuated in an escape pod built to hold only an infant; you do not need to be the victim of an unfortunate exposure to gamma radiation; nor do you need to be bitten by genetically altered insects; fancy toys and lots of money may grease the wheels a little, but they too are not requisite for the job. All that it takes is: a firm desire to fight crime, a super power of your own creation, a cool costume, an alter-ego, an archenemy, and the optional sidekick. Though this list may seem long and daunting, I assure you that once you begin to check off each item thus drawing nearer to your ultimate goal, you will see the addiction in the same way some crave the addictive chemical used in the Colonel’s “Secret Recipe,” and you will crave it nightly. I submit the following information as a guide to all would be heroes, as starting place for you to use as a springboard for your own entrance into the Justice Leagues and New Avengers world wide.

First things first, let’s discuss desire. Desire is something that we all have with in us. Some have the desire to become great leaders in this world. Others, such as myself, have the desire to be the one who assists these great leaders in their battle to rid the streets of this great world of the doers of dirty deeds. My desire, as explained above, arose from the frustration of not being able to live my dreams, literally. A close super-associate of mine, known as Thunderhead, found his desire after he lost muffins, his pet Sea Monkey, to freak goldfish stampede. The event was so traumatic Thunderhead swore he would never let such devastating events occur under his watch again. It is his belief, and I wholly agree, that such events can mean the difference between Superhero, and Supervillain. One must be conscious of where their desire will lead them. Fortunately Thunderhead turned his energies towards protecting harmless sea creatures in pet shops across the Heart Land—a major step for the forces of good. It is that desire inside each of us that we must harness, and use as our gallant steed to ride through the valleys and pastures of crime fighting. As you begin your own quest to Superherodome, look deep inside and search for whatever it is that causes you to hate evil enough to fight it.

Once you have found the desire to fight evil, you must find out what you have at your disposal to aid you in this quest to see evil evaporated. Now, a little warning to those of you who are following these steps; NOT ALL SUPERHEROS HAVE SUPER POWERS! I myself have through many misguided experiments, some of which were more creative than others, come to discover that I cannot fly. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what methods I could devise for launching my self into the air, I just couldn’t stay there. Oh sure there are those first few seconds after leaping from the roof of a second story apartment where you think you have it mastered. But then you realize that you are not actually flying, but falling; things seem to become clearer and you wish that you had taken your roommates advice and gotten your mattress for a landing pad. Whatever you decide to do to discover your super power, do it safely. What good is a superhero in traction? Remember, Batman needs no super power to do battle with the evil villains of the world—he just has a lot of money to buy neat toys.

If financial stability is a case, such as it is for many of the younger more inexperienced Supers, look around your house and see what you have that you could use. Sometimes the best weapons are those never thought of. I have a good friend who swears that greatest weapon he ever used was an eggbeater. Rest assured I am able to vouch for the fact that there is really nothing more disturbing than the sound of an eggbeater behind you in a dark alley. My superpower came at a great loss. At first I had high hopes for some type of biological anomaly to overtake my system and force a natural mutation, perhaps giving me claws, super strength, or even a little more height, most villains are not as fearful of a 5’6” hero. Alas, there has been no mutation, and I am of the financially-challenged-struggling-college-student grouping; so, I have instead invested what little time and funds I have into acquiring the ultimate weapon—a large Thor’s hammer filled with lemon juice. Sure, it seems harmless enough, but have you ever peeled an orange and had a stream of citrus catch you in the eye—that’s the kind of painful trauma that makes you want to feed sugar to a diabetic. Plus the hammer looks cool with the rest of my costume.

After you have decided upon a power or weapon of some sort you should consider the costume that will allow you the ability to best utilize those powers. Choose something that would be easily associated with name you have chosen. My costume, since I am Viking Man, as you can well guess consists of a stylish pair of Bermuda shorts, an even more stylish set of fur lined boots, a shirt with a giant VM crookedly sewn on the front, and a horned helmet. You can just imagine that sheer terror that is felt when I come upon a scene where evil has chosen to rear its ugly face. You’re costume should be comfortable as well as versatile. Look for something that you could change into and out of quickly. You never know when you may be called to battle. A word of caution when choosing a costume, try to avoid capes. They truly are quite tacky unless you have a giant “S” emblazoned across your spandex covered chest. Also, they tend to get caught in the most unfitting and obscure places. The Vulcan, one of my better arch-nemesis once got his cape caught in the sliding trap of a vending machine while trying to retrieve the candy he had been able to shake free; villains never pay for vending machine food. Unfortunately, in his haste to escape The Vulcan tipped the machine completely over severely stubbed his big toe. He was out of commission for at least a week—it was terrible. Whatever outfit you choose make sure it is versatile so you can avoid having to make up excuses as to why you are wearing floral shorts and fur lined boots in the middle of summer.

Every great superhero has an alter-ego. Most people unfamiliar with the Superhero trade assume that our crime fighting, costumed avenger side is the alter-ego—this is not the case for a true hero. The crime fighter is who we are, our natural disposition; it is the average Joe persona that we have to don when not fighting crime that we consider our unnatural other. Superman, when not on duty plays the role of a mild mannered Daily Planet reporter named Clark Kent; similarly, Batman has the billionaire playboy and industry capitalist act trademarked as Bruce Wayne. For those of us who are not aliens or billionaires there is the alter-ego of Spiderman—Peter Parker, the quiet science geek who is struggling to make it through life without causing too many waves while working as a free-lance photo journalist at the Daily Bugle. Whatever you choose as your alter-ego, make sure that you look as thought you are normal, just like everyone else. I chose the alter-ego of a poor under paid college student who is being taken advantage of by his money greedy landlord. Lucky for me this wasn’t to far from the truth so the part has been really easy to play. When picking an alter-ego it is important to remember that you choose someone you can relate to in your personal life. If you choose something that causes you to act differently than you normaly would people might get a little suspicious. Of course if you want to take the easy road you could just be yourself, but seriously who would do that!

In order to be a truly great superhero you must have an archenemy or two. This is probably the most important part of being a superhero. If there is no archenemy that you must constantly be doing battle with, what reason is there to do battle in the first place? The person that you choose to take on as your own personal archenemy should be the type of person that would disguise himself as a boy scout just to fool old ladies into crossing the highway in the middle of rush hour, someone so vile that they would steal candy from a baby and then return the empty wrapper, a fiend with a mind so devious that he would develop Reality TV. This is the stuff that truly epic battles are fought over. I remember my greatest battle to date was over an undercooked egg, Supervillains love salmonella. I was sitting at the local diner, a.k.a. the cafeteria, and another nemesis of mine, Boiling Eggs (yes, that was his chosen appellation), was serving breakfast; I ordered a hard boiled egg three slices of bacon, and a bowl of Cocoa-Roos what I got in return was a soft boiled egg, runny in all the places it should have been firm, three pieces of bacon, and a bowl of Cocoa-Roos. Well, I think you can understand my rage. There is nothing worse that a runny egg. The fight commenced as I hurled scathing remarks such as “You undercooked my egg” and “Please cook me another before I fill you face with the sting of citrus” Boiling Eggs returned with his own form of insult by providing me with raw eggs and a protein shake. If it hadn’t been for the thin sheet of Plexiglas that separated him from me I would have followed through with my battle charge and squirted him with my Hammer-of-Citrus. As it stood, I was left with little recourse and returned to my food able to enjoy only the bowl of Cocoa-Roos, runny egg had mingled with the bacon. In retrospect I considered the exchange equally matched and conceded that it was a draw.

Finding an enemy as cunning as Boiling Eggs isn’t as hard as it sounds. Trust one who knows, for every superhero in training there is a supervillain in training. Once you find one it is a good idea to invite him out to dinner so you can discuss pertinent matter such as the business of becoming sworn enemies, birthdays, and class schedules. There is nothing worse that watching pandemonium ensue as you are finishing up a quiz in biology; also, it is just good etiquette to not do battle on a birthday—that’s your special day. You will find that the more cordial you are in your introduction the better enemies you will be. Get to know each other but don’t reveal too much. Just enough to let them know that you will be constantly watching and thwarting any and all attempts he will make to turn your city into a breeding ground for evil.

There is one more thing in becoming a superhero that is not a must have but can be great fun, this is the optional sidekick. Not all superheroes out there enjoy having a constant crime-fighting companion. Others find that the sidekick can prove to be a useful addition to your already extensive crime-fighting arsenal. I’ve found that a sidekick can be both a hindrance and a valued asset. Be sure that you are very selective in who you decide to use for a sidekick. They must have certain qualities in order to be as effective as you want them to be. First they must be able to keep your true identity a secret, nothing is worse than a big-mouthed sidekick shouting out your alter-ego’s name while in the midst of a heated battle with one of your sworn enemies. Second, they should be somewhat impervious to the fact that they will never be as great a crime fighter as you are. A cocky athletic sidekick will someday cast a large shadow for you to stand in. And third, they must be somewhat smaller yet more accident-prone than you are. These traits all combined make for every superheroes dream sidekick.

In conclusion I would like to give those following these simple steps my best wishes as they to set out to in their great quest to become true fighters of the evil that pelages this world. Remember keep your head up, and find the things that will set you apart from all the other would be superheroes out there who you will be competing with. Last but not least, if you have a cape make sure it isn’t too long; it is really embarrassing when you try to quietly leave a scene and trip because you or someone else is standing on you cape. Good luck and may the superheroes of the past be at your side.