Cheers,
Price
The Art of What to do when in a Coma
It is a commonly held myth that when you are in a coma there is little to do apart from lie there and be comatose. I would argue that this is absolutely untrue. The fact of the matter is, when you are in a coma—and many of will just have to take my word for this since you will probably never be in a coma—you can pretty much do just about anything that a fully functioning human can do. Now, I don’t mean that “in your head” you can do these things; no, I mean that even though you are in a state of essential mental and physical vegetation you are still capable of interacting with the people around you.
How is this possible? Are you having an out of body experience like Patrick Swayze in Ghost? When in a coma do you really get to see and talk with angels? Is it like having a near death experience? Do you actually get to see what goes on in the 90% of your brain that you don’t use for all the innate day-to-day interactions that one must endure? Do you get superpowers that enable you to move things with your mind and influence the decisions of others? I know that may of you are asking this same questions and I will get to those answers in a moment—yes to a few, no to a few more, and I wish to the last one; but for the time being, lets focus on exactly what may have landed you in this predicament and a few of the steps that any regular person can take to prepare for the possibility of being comatose at a later date.
You never know when a coma will sneak up on you--they are somewhat like a ninja in that regards, a really good ninja who comes up from behind and hits you with a ninja-silent kung-fu chop to the sciatic. Not only do you not see this ninja coma avenger coming at you because he attacks from behind, but his silent attack is so quick that more often than not you are not even aware that you have been coma chopped. This was the case for me. I was sitting there, minding my own business, enjoying a leisurely climb up the main peak of the Grand Teton, and the next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed three months later. What happened in the mean time? How was I able to entertain myself, I tend to have a very short attention span, for such a long time? Why was it that I had no recollection of the events that had taken place in my hospital room? How had I gone to the restroom … oh, wait, I think I have that one figured out … yeah, that’s not really comfortable! These, and many others, were the immediate questions that I had running through my head as I slowly returned to the world of the lucid. Looking back, I know that the experience was one filled with adventure, humor, and mindless (pun intended) pranks. So, for the rest of you I submit the following guide for what to do when you too enter a coma. Consider this a list of tools at your disposal
Being in a coma really isn’t as boring as one might think, sure you will have little to no recollection of the time you spent “out of it” once you wake, but the benefits of the added sleep and time spent alone with your thoughts is invaluable. There are many false assumptions that have been made about the comatose in the past: that they are simply hollow shells of their former selves, that they are oblivious to what is going on around them, that they smell. Each of these assumptions is derived from a gross misunderstanding of the comatose and could not be farther from the truth. The comatose are filled with all sorts of things: guts and gore, bodily fluids—some less disgusting than others, muscles that is rapidly deteriorating; you see that whole hollow shell stuff is simply untrue. As for the rest of the rumors they too are simply untrue. Studies have shown that if you place a comatose persons hand in a bowl of hot water they are still very likely to wet themselves just like they did when you pulled the same prank in 7th grade; as for the smell, they ge5t regular sponge baths—an awesome benefit unless your nurse is a 40-something CNA who once worked as a roadie for WWE Raw and had a nickname like Mandible or Bone Crusher. Other than the obvious drawback of not really being able to communicate with anyone life is pretty good for the comatose. Three square meals injected directly into your body via tubes shoved in, up , and down every orifice (not as uncomfortable as you would think, until you wake up that is), plenty of rest (24 hours a day of sleep that you will not even remember when you wake up), regular baths at the hands of Mandible and Bone Crusher … yeah … moving on.
This is not a discussion about the joys of being in a coma, alright maybe it is in a round-about way, what we really want to discuss is the steps one should take to entertain themselves and their loved ones when one is in a coma. This is a subject that is really quite simple to address since there are a few things about the comatose that prohibit them from really interacting the people around them directly. Firstly, if you are in a coma you really have no higher brain functions. Secondly, because of the brain thing, you are unable to speak with or, as the old AT&T slogan goes, “reach out and touch someone.” Lastly, because of the brain/communication thing, you are purely at the mercy of your loved ones … and Mandible Bone Crusher. Recognizing and understanding these challenges is the first step in moving towards comatose entertainment. I must interject here a simple caveat to this discussion. As mentioned earlier, once you are in a coma you will have little to no memory of what it was like to “out.” Much or the joy that you provide and the humor that you endure will come after the fact when you are looking through the coma scrapbook that your mom made for you during the experience. The book, much like the rest of your like will be filled with embarrassing pictures, quirky comments, and nostalgic journals written by your friends and family to remind you or the pain and suffering they had to endure because of your stupidity/carelessness. So, do not mistake this list is suggestions as a cure all for coma-boredom; you won’t remember being bored anyway. If anything, this is a guide for how you can help entertain your family and friends while you rest the peaceful rest of the dead without actually being … dead … so … again … moving on.
In order to effectively enjoy your coma, and provide others with a similar sense of enjoyment, you must take one simple precaution. You must place, in writing, a list of activities that must be engaged in during your brief sleeping spell. There are a few things that are a must for this list. Had I thought of this list earlier, my first coma would have been much more endurable, and I would have had some great memories. Here is a sample of items from my list. They will serve as the focus for the rest of this essay and will give you a good sense for the type of activities that you will want to make sure are on your own coma-list.
My Coma-List of Activites
1. Practice your best impersonation of a cadaver.
2. Spend a day reenacting the final kiss from Sleeping Beauty to see if it will help wake you up, and to see if you can find your own Prince Charming/ Aurora.
3. Have someone paint the top of your eyelids to look like your eyes are open and see how long it takes people to notice you are not actually awake.
4. Hire a psychic to be your personal voice for a day, communicating your every wish and desire to your family. If no real psychic can be found hire some bum off the street to fill the roll and pay him with a day of McDonald’s finest food.
Again, this is just a sampling of things that are on my coma-list. I have chosen the handful of activities that seem to be the most fun for everyone involved, and will spend a little time explaining each activity. But first, a word of advice: as you begin to prepare your own list you must make sure that you recognize a simple fact—there is no telling how long you will be in a coma. You could be out for as little as a few hours, or as long as it takes for you to wake up (years even if your insurance is that good). As you begin to brainstorm activities for your own personal coma-list you need to take into consideration these time restrictions. I usually will include a simple set of instructions for the person I have donned the mantle of List Guardian upon. This is the person you trust will most accurately, and with the most flare, carry out each activity. Also, it is important to recognize that the list should be lengthy yet filled with structure. If you are only out for a few days you definitely want to make sure that you fill each day with something for people to look forward to. On the other hand, you don’t want to overload the list with too much at the beginning and then loose steam by the end. You need to have a good mix of big and small activities in the list. Also, take into consideration that you are in a coma and this is going to be a bit of a shock for the rest of your family. They will need a bit of time to adjust and mourn your untimely coma-venture. I recommend giving people a minimum of two days, maximum four days, to feel sad about what has happened before I bring in my first activity. This is a simple precaution that is placed in with the rest of the instructions given to the List Guardian. Now that the mourning is over, let’s get on with the fun and games.
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